Cleaning out my closet

Last week was Spring Break for the Mount Vernon School District. Since I work half-time at the high school and half-time for the district office, I had to work 20 hours during the week for my district position. I took my days off at the end of the week so I could have a long weekend.

Now, one of the things I’ve learned is NOT to plan on accomplishing much when I have these kind of breaks. I inevitably don’t get everything done and then I beat myself up about it. So, I purposely planned to do NOTHING and give myself a break.

After a meeting on Wednesday last week, I headed for the shopping mall. It seems like ages since I’ve had time to wander aimlessly from store to store and this time I had a mission: purchase a white blouse and new mascara. A few days earlier, in celebration of ending my radiation treatments, I had ordered a floral skirt from Spiegel, but I needed a blouse to wear with it.

Well, I went a little overboard and my mission turned into a shopping spree. But I comforted myself with the thought that I was celebrating, after all. I came home with four new blouses, a new pair of jeans, two new bras, and a pair of shoes—oh yeah, and mascara.

Here’s the thing, though: I really felt guilty. I have SO many clothes in my closet, that I can barely fit anything new in there! I knew what I had to do—grit my teeth and clean out my closet. I’ve been literally putting it off for years.

I figured it would only take a couple of hours. Not quite. I realized after I started my little project that it would be a couple of days’ worth of work. I started at the back of my closet and began pulling out clothes that haven’t seen the light of day in years. I’m not kidding. I am terrible when it comes to letting go of shoes and clothes. I always think, “Well, I might want to wear this again,” or “It might not fit me right now, but if I lose (or gain) weight, then I’ll be glad I kept it.”

I even made a “maybe” pile of clothes that I “might” give away, depending on how I felt about it later (when will I ever learn?). As the hours went by and the stacks of clothes began piling up on my king-sized bed, I got ruthless. I grabbed the “maybe” pile and dumped it onto the piles of clothes I planned to give away.

I was amazed and ashamed of myself. I have been hoarding clothes for years. Why? Because of some sentimental value or fear of the future (“I might need this again.”)?

A funny thing happened to me as the piles stacked higher and higher: I began to feel lighter and more excited. I had momentum behind me now! I was so excited to rid myself of the excess “weight” of the clothes that I decided to move on to my dresser. I haven’t been able to use my dresser much at all the last few years because I have jeans and old shirts going back years in there. And in four different sizes! And in great condition!

It was a wonderful feeling to yank them out of there and give myself some “breathing” room—and a place to keep the clothes I DO wear!

When my husband got home and I showed him what I’d done, he got a little excited, too. Finally he will be able to walk into our closet without tripping on clothes that have fallen off the hangers because they were jam-packed in there—or shoes that had nowhere to go but the floor of our closet. He joined the cause and immediately began cleaning out HIS old clothes, too. Wow!

When our daughter saw the results of our efforts, she got into the act as well and cleaned out her own closet. Now we have a living room floor covered with stacks of clothing to give away (my next task is to organize them according to type of clothing and to bag them).

One of the funniest things about cleaning out my closet was the walk down memory lane. I’m talking about some clothes that are at least 15+ years old! My husband pulled out a Rubbermaid bin from the back of the closet and said, “What’s this?” I said, “Oh my gosh, I think I put that back there when we moved into the house!” (Eight years ago.) I was so excited to open it and see what was in there.

Well, I wasn’t disappointed. Out came the black, leather miniskirt that I’d worn in 1989. (Check out my 1980s look, left.)

My daughter grabbed it and held it up to her waist, saying, “Mom, I can’t believe you wore this! It’s so short!” Then she immediately ran to her bedroom to try it on. To her chagrin, it was too tight. She handed it back to me and said, “Man, you must have been really skinny!” Come to think of it, I was—but it was because of the fact that I had my priorities all screwed up and spent too much time thinking about my weight and dieting. Oh, the wisdom that comes with age. :~)

It seems appropriate that my closet project came during Lent and at the end of my cancer treatment. I realized that my closet project is a metaphor for what’s happening in my life spiritually as well. It’s easy enough to see that ridding myself of extra possessions is akin to setting aside my ever-present vanity—in the way of losing my hair and eyebrows and of having my body image changed.

A year ago, I would have known far less about setting aside my vanity or acquiring humility or re-examining my own, sinful habits—but for the diagnosis of cancer. It is true that the frailties of the body shed light on what’s happening in one’s soul.

Especially during Lent, we are reminded that life does not consist of the abundance of food or material possessions. We are challenged (encouraged) to restrict what we put into our mouths and to increase our prayer and almsgiving, not as a legalistic thing, but to bring health to our souls.

Following my Closet-Cleaning Crusade, I pondered these thoughts. I was disappointed in myself for the years I’ve wasted on vain pursuits—thinking that my weight, my clothing, my appearance, my status—were all-important to my personal happiness.

Even if I’ve always known intellectually that they aren’t . . . my lifestyle and actions speak louder. Don’t get me wrong—I’m not cured of my vanity. I still enjoy fashionable clothing and I wear a Raquel Welch wig over my stubby hair. If I weren’t concerned about my appearance, I doubt that I’d go to the trouble.

But having experienced cancer and converted to Orthodoxy, I’ve been forced to re-examine my soul. My prayers have changed. I’ve begun to ask God to show me—as much as I can bear it—my own sinfulness. Why? So I can become closer to Him and more prepared to meet Him.

I feel like I’ve been given a second chance at living—for who knows how long—and I want to live the rest of my life in “peace and repentance.”  I’ve come to realize how much pride I have and my closet was a big slap-in-the-face reminder of it. But this is the good news: I cleaned out my closet. And I enjoyed it!

The next day, we attended a one-day retreat featuring Mother Melania, an Orthodox monastic (nun) as the speaker. I have never met an Orthodox nun before. I was a little afraid that I would be intimidated, you know, by being around a “scary, holy person.” She was an absolute delight and as down-to-earth as could be. And, coincidentally (or maybe not), her topic was about getting rid of our passions and acquiring virtues.

She talked about how our fallen nature makes us delusional. We don’t see things as they truly are (only God does). The closer we get to God, the truer picture we have of reality. This really resonated with me because one of the things I’ve always said is that “sin makes you stupid.” I say that because I’ve found it to be true in my own life, as well as observing what happens to other people mired in their sins. Mother Melania put it this way, “Sin makes you delusional.”

It’s as if sin darkens the windows to our soul and, as we become purified by God, the windows start getting cleaned (and closets, too). Needless to say, I was pretty heavied out by the time the retreat ended and have been “processing” ever since. Just imagine a computer with a dial-up connection trying to download a super-large file from the Internet (this could take years).

“Live in gratitude, and you will never be disappointed. See that your afflictions are not there to punish you, but to purify you and cleanse you of the delusions of this world. You all are being prepared each day for great things. Be wise, and prepare for the future, but do not be worried about it. Be prudent, but not obsessed. The man who constantly worries achieves nothing but stress and anxiety. Instead, pray and draw close to God. Believe that He will help you, and suddenly, you will see how He has already." -- His Grace, Bishop JOSEPH