Life in perspective
Tuesday, May 15, 2012 at 8:32AM 
Mother's Day 2012
Yesterday, during a visit to yet another eye doctor (third one in the last 10 days), the doctor placed his hand on my knee and said seriously, “You are in a very difficult situation, dear.”
I was not surprised to hear this. Ever since I was diagnosed with glaucoma back in January, things have not been the same with my eyesight.
Back in January, I was barreling along in life with only the fear of recurring breast cancer and lack of a job to dog me. The third week in January, I was offered a temporary, part-time job and diagnosed with glaucoma. Joy and sorrow.
The glaucoma diagnosis came completely out of left field, as I hadn't realized I'd lost any vision until the tests were performed and I realized that something was not right—a spot just under my center vision in my right eye is completely grayed out.
In other words, if I look at a picture of someone's face (say, a painting or better yet, an Orthodox icon), and focus on their eyes, I cannot see their nose or mouth with my right eye. I don't know when I lost the vision because my left eye has been compensating all along and I never thought to read a book with only my right eye to make the comparison!
After grappling with the diagnosis, I came to terms with it after learning that I could use drops to lower the pressure in my eyes. I hoped that would save my vision.
A couple weeks into the eye drops regimen, I was miserable. My eyes were red, irritated, super sensitive to light, and blurry. It was affecting my drive to work (I commute 45 miles each way three days a week), as well as the work I do on a computer all day.
I asked the doctor about laser surgery to lower the pressure. I'd heard that it works about 80% of the time, although only for two to three years, when it may need to be performed again. Stop-gap measure to rid myself of eye drops? I'm in.
Unfortunately, I got a staph infection in my right eye (the one with the worst vision loss from glaucoma), so had to halt the glaucoma drops and use steroid drops to give it a chance to heal before surgery. The doctor said that steroid drops almost certainly would raise the pressure in my eye, but not to worry—that's only worrisome with long-term use (like a couple of months), and I would only be using steroid drops for about a week.
Dutifully, I used the drops and the infection cleared up enough for me to have the laser surgery. Hooray! It's a little too early to tell, but it appears that the surgery was successful and that I will be able to do the laser surgery on the left eye as well.
But, wait. There's more.
Right around the time of the laser surgery, the glaucoma specialist switched my glaucoma drops for the LEFT eye to a new drop because the first drops were wreaking havoc on my eye. I noticed that my vision was getting blurrier and blurrier. I figured I simply needed a stronger contact lens prescription, so back to my eye doctor I went (not the glaucoma specialist).
After examining my eyes, my regular doctor said, “We can't give you a new prescription. Your cornea is all messed up.” (Severely “messed up,” I later learned.) So she told me to use the steroid drops in my LEFT eye this time, as well as preservative-free artificial tears and the eye should clear in about a week.
Dutifully, once again, I did as the doctor instructed. I returned a week later, feeling that not much had changed. Sure enough, she said there was only minimal improvement—maybe 10%. Then she casually mentioned that going without contacts should have helped more. I said, “What do you mean? I've been wearing my contacts.”
“Oh, no . . . you should have stopped wearing them—at least in your left eye. I didn't mention it last week, but I just assumed you knew not to wear them.”
Say, what? Uh, no, neither the glaucoma specialist nor my regular eye doctor had said anything to me about not wearing my contacts!
After expressing my frustration and bewilderment to the doctor—stating that none of these problems existed until I started using glaucoma drops—the doctor shared her opinion that the issues were most likely caused by the drops drying my eyes out and the contact lenses damaging my cornea as a result.
She leaned back in her chair, exhaled and said, “I don't know what to do with you. I think you should see Dr. P—he's a cornea specialist. He may take you out of contacts for good.”
I made an appointment with my glaucoma specialist the moment I left her office—while I was in the car in the parking lot. I trust him and wanted his take on all of this. Fortunately, I was able to get an appointmentwith him that afternoon.
He looked at my eyes, basically concurred with my regular eye doctor, and told me to try to stay out of my contacts (at least in the left eye), take the steroid drops for a few days, and use the artificial tears regularly. He also told me to go see the cornea specialist.
In the meantime, I stopped wearing my contact in my left eye to give it a chance to heal, but continued wearing one in my right eye since I needed to see to drive, etc. A few days later, I noted that my RIGHT eye (the post-laser-surgery eye) was going wonky. Light sensitive, blurry, achy.
Getting that “here we go again” feeling, I immediately stopped wearing a contact in that eye and began using steroid drops and artificial tears. A few days have passed and it is slowly getting better—but not much.
I should also mention that I do not have any back-up visual aids (no glasses). My eye doctor told me to hold off on getting them last January, due to the fact that my vision was changing so rapidly.
I guess you could call me "a hurtin' ball player.”
Which brings us to yesterday's appointment with the cornea specialist.
I've gotta say: I'm getting kind of tired of limping along not being able to focus, barely read, or see anything at a distance. My biggest fear is that things will stay this way. I prayed that the cornea specialist would be able to help me.
The doctor was very thorough and serious (which is how I like a guy who is tasked with saving my vision).
After examining my eyes, he leaned back, put his hand on my knee (uh oh), and very soberly said, “You are in a very difficult situation, dear.”
“Uh huh.”
He continued, “Your corneas are very messed up.” (What is this? A new medical term?) “You will need to treat them with steroid drops four times a day for at least two months for them to heal.”
Normally, this wouldn't be such a big deal—FOR A PERSON WHO DOESN'T HAVE GLAUCOMA. But, you see, the steroid drops raise the pressure in my eyes (and already have after only a week), and TWO MONTHS of using them will definitely put me in “difficult” territory, risking higher pressures and potential loss of vision due to glaucoma.
All of this might be a little easier to take if I didn't do what I do for a living. I've been living in a soft-focus world for several weeks now and the only good thing I can see about it is that I look a heck of a lot better in the mirror—all those nasty wrinkles have been miraculously Photoshopped away.
But, since I write, do graphic design, and take photographs for a living—all using a computer--well, it's fairly stressful not to be able to see. I have all of my computer programs zoomed up to ULTRA LARGE SIZE and the letters are still blurry.
I have a hard time reading, needless to say. All of the words are either gray or double. If they were triple, it would be easier—I'd just read the ones in the middle. (A little visually-impaired humor there.)
And let's not talk about texting and emailing! I've made so many typos in my texts, I'm just waiting for the really humiliating text to make me famous on the Damn You, Autocorrect website.
On the way home from the doctor's office yesterday, I felt a strange mixture of emotions. I wanted to feel sorry for myself . . . just on the verge of tears. But something stopped me. I couldn't get over the feeling of how ridiculous it was. I thought of a video I'd seen earlier in the week and . . . well, you just have to see it for yourself to understand. I'll put it at the end of this blog entry.
It occurred to me how merciful God has been to me. I have been given so much more than I deserve. And you know what's funny (as in ironic)?
During the last four months—when my vision has been at its absolute worst—I have reveled more in the beauty of God's creation and shared it through my photographs more than any other time of my life.
I was given the great gift of being present to take my daughter's engagement photos. How many mothers can say that? In July of 2008, all bets were off. I didn't know if I'd even be around to see her graduate, much less be her engagement photographer.
A week ago, I was up before dawn to witness one of the most glorious mornings I've ever seen—and God sent two deer to join me in the idyllic surroundings. It certainly strikes me as ironic that now, at the stage of life when I'm capable of more fully appreciating the beauty around me—in every creature, blade of grass, ray of sunshine, and magnificent tree—my eyesight is starting to fail.
I have seen the face of my beautiful baby girl just after she was lifted from my womb. I hold in my heart the memory of her sweet, round face when, as a toddler, she raised her arms to sit in my lap. I treasure the days I watched with pride as she played Chopin at her piano recitals. And I ache with warmth remembering the love and excitement reflected on her face when she rushed to my side to show me the glittering engagement ring on her finger. No one can take those moments away from me.
It seems that, despite all of the problems with my eyesight, life is in perspective more now than it's ever been.
I pray every day that God will direct my steps. In many ways, I feel very much in some kind of limbo land—so many transitions happening at once. The one thing I know for sure is this: wherever this is going, God is leading me.
You can view the photos I've taken recently on my photo blog here.
