Hope springs eternal

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. – M. Scott Peck

Today, I'm taking a stab at something that usually comes easily to me—writing. The ease of writing has eluded me for the last few months. I have not known what or how to say what's on my mind and heart. There's too much and besides, it's not as if it's important to share my thoughts in cyberspace. Yet, for some reason, I feel compelled to return to my blog and write. So here I am.

Back in 2008, I was startled to be diagnosed with breast cancer. As I processed my emotions and thoughts throughout my diagnosis and subsequent treatment, writing seemed to help ease the stress and relieve the burden of my fears. Besides, my blog was an efficient way of keeping concerned friends and family updated.

I learned some things about myself in the process. I needed to find my voice and I needed validation—a double-edged sword. I felt more myself when I could get my thoughts “out there” and, interestingly, it gave me more confidence. When someone—sometimes a complete stranger—wrote to tell me that something I wrote helped or encouraged them, it warmed my heart and sometimes bolstered my ego. For a person like me, who loves to communicate and hopes to influence, it doesn't get any better than that.

But that whole double-edged sword thing is sticky. It starts to work on you. You start checking your blog stats more often to see how many visitors you've had. Let's face it, when the count goes up, there's a certain sense of importance that comes with it. It's almost better than making money. “They like me; they REALLY like me!” you think. (The peculiar thing is that since I've hardly written on my blog lately, the visits are higher than ever—over 2,000 unique visitors a month—mostly due to a blog entry I wrote about Troy Polamalu, of all things!)

As feedback and traffic to my blog increased, instead of writing my usual rambling rants and thoughts, I tried to figure out what “they” wanted. I started thinking about what will move or impact my “target audience” (whoever that is). I'm pretty sure that's what the really successful bloggers do, anyway.

The thing is, I never set out to be a successful blogger. I just wanted to write about my experiences—the good, the bad, and the ugly. So, I'm back to Square One: writing about the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Here it is: my life for the last six months has honestly been a kind of Desert Experience. The people closest to me already know this. They love me and care about me and urge me on.

I am one of the many, many people who found myself unemployed in this economy. For the first time in nearly 20 years, I was without a job last summer (and 20 years ago, I was voluntarily unemployed due to being a stay-at-home mom). Three years ago, I knew that getting into the teaching profession would be kind of dicey, but I went for it. I had just completed cancer treatment and I was ready for a change. Teaching fit the bill for all kinds of reasons, not the least of which was a desire to make my life about relationships and helping people, in whatever small way I could.

Even when I was laid off from my first-year teaching job last June, I wasn't worried. I have never had a hard time finding a job . . . EVER. My talents and abilities have always been in demand somewhere. And I knew that I would be covered by unemployment benefits while I looked for work.

Long story short: in this economy and at my "advanced age" (mid-fifties), my talents and abilities are not much in demand. The bottom line is that I have applied for well over 80 jobs, had only two job interviews, and exhausted my unemployment benefits. The second interview came about because someone went out on a limb and enthusiastically recommended me for a job (for which I am well qualified, by the way). The truth is that I would never have been granted that interview had it not been for my friend going out of his way, without my asking. It's true what they say: “It's who you know.” At this stage of life, if I were an actress, all of my scenes would be on the cutting-room floor.

After a few months, the truth of all of this became very apparent. I sat around feeling sorry for myself for awhile. And one day, I couldn't take it anymore. I hated not having any control over my life. I hated that the quality of my life (economically, anyway) was dependent on what someone else--a total stranger--assessed about me by looking for maybe 30 seconds at a piece of paper with my name on it.

Someone suggested starting up my freelance graphic design business again. I politely agreed that it might be a good idea. What I really thought was this: “No way, I have NO desire to start a business again! Too much work and not enough pay-off!”

Since I had a lot of time on my hands last summer, I decided to put together a slideshow for my 30th wedding anniversary. When I posted it online, the response was amazing. People who hardly knew me were in tears. I remarked to a friend, “Gee, I love doing this kind of thing. If only I could be paid for it.”

Then I met another friend for lunch, a guy who's a kind of mentor to me professionally. He told me that he'd been asked to produce a slideshow for a business and had been offered $1,500 to do so. He had to turn it down for lack of time. “Really?” I asked incredulously. “People are willing to pay that much for a slideshow?” The wheels started to turn in my head.

I began to think about how I've always loved putting music and photos together, how I paid a lot of money to have a video made for my 10th wedding anniversary way back in 1991 (before slideshow software was available to the masses). I remembered when I was handed a Nikon camera for my job back in 2007 and had to learn how to use it. It dawned on me that I love not only graphic design, but photography.

Along the way, a kernel of an idea started to sprout. I couldn't turn off my brain. I started thinking about re-vamping my old business: re-naming it, re-tooling it, targeting a new market. I spent hours brainstorming and researching business names and poring over magazines in the target market I was considering.

I settled on a new business name. I played around with logo ideas. I bounced ideas off of graphic designer friends and family members. For the last five months, I've spent countless hours nearly every day reading, learning, planning, and researching. I've contacted other people in the field for their advice. I did not settle on the idea lightly.

The bottom line is this: in my depressed state, I found passion and excitement in the idea of creating something that could benefit others. I am officially now in business. The business is registered. The shingle is out. The website is up. Out of the last six months' frustration, disillusionment, and yes, even despair, hope springs eternal. Bella Vita Creative is born.

I'll be honest: alongside my passion for starting Bella Vita Creative, I have continued to grapple with depression and anxiety. Life is changing, rapidly, it seems. The interview I got as a result of my friend's efforts garnered a job offer. Tomorrow, I start a part-time job doing PR work (something I truly enjoy), at a community college. The job ends in June and involves a bit of a commute, but it gives me back a piece of myself, I think. I'm a communicator; it's what I do.

In the midst of the new business and new job excitement, I was startled with another diagnosis: glaucoma. Seemed like it came out of nowhere and like a whack on the side of the head. I knew that my eyesight had gotten worse, but I had attributed it to needing a better contact lens prescription. When I realized the extent of the loss of vision in one eye (I can barely read with that eye), I was shocked and even more so to learn that it is irreversible. More depression. I've mostly come to grips with it and have an appointment with a specialist next week. My biggest fear is not being able to do the work that I love—all things visual.

God sent me some encouragement this week, though. While reading a blog post from a very successful photographer whose work I admire, I was surprised to learn that he is blind in one eye. Imagine that! The guy who has “an eye” for beautiful photography really does use only one eye. Hope springs eternal.

So, here I am. Depressed. Excited. Anxious. Hopeful. Beaten down a little, but not surrendered. Ready to move on.

You are invited to take a look at my new website for Bella Vita Creative. In particular, I'd point you to the “About” page. Every bit of it is true and it's the reason I started Bella Vita Creative (it has a lot to do with passion, craft, and a wobbly chin).

Here's another Shameless Plug: if you're so inclined, I invite you to click this Facebook link and “Like” Bella Vita Creative's fan page. That way, you'll get all my updates and offers.

I love happy endings, which is why hope will always spring eternal. In that spirit, I offer the latest slideshow from Bella Vita Creative. Hope it makes you smile.

Driven to distraction

Have you missed me? Well, I've missed you, blog readers.                                  

Where to start? Well, it's a funny thing. I have not felt a need to write for quite awhile. I think it's because I am getting my creative needs met by working tirelessly on the website for my new business. In the past few months, I have spent hundreds of hours planning, researching, and learning for my new business endeavor.

I am chomping at the bit to share my new website with you, but all sorts of obstacles have prevented it from getting finished. It's nearly there and I can hardly wait to unveil my business to the world and start taking in projects.

Unfortunately, I ran into multiple snafus with the guy I hired to help implement my web design. I'm not a web programmer, but I had ideas of how I wanted the site to look, so I hired someone to do the coding in order to free up my time to work on other aspects of my business. It's too depressing to go into detail, but suffice to say, as my graphic design associate, Ronnie Lebow observes, “The poor always pay twice.”

This means that I went with the company with the “most reasonable” price and I found out why they were so . . .  “reasonable.” I now have to hire someone else to tweak the site to fix the things that weren't done properly. Nevertheless, I am undaunted and excited about the final result (which should be next week some time, as long as Murphy's Law doesn't kick in again).

I have to ask myself why things always seem to go this way; I rarely have projects go perfectly, do you? Same thing happened when we were building a house in 1999. My husband, daughter (who was just entering third grade), and I moved into a 24-foot trailer on our property while my husband built the house, with some assistance from a few friends and other craftsmen. At the outset, hubby predicted we'd live in the trailer for say, oh, four months. EIGHTEEN months later, we moved into our not-quite-finished house. (No, that's not our house pictured above.)

By then, my husband and I were zombies. I had perfected the art of taking a two-minute shower with lukewarm water. I was especially proud of the way I “roughed it” by being able to climb over my husband's dead-to-the world body in the middle of the night, slip on my shoes, and head outside to relieve myself when the trailer tank was full and waiting to be pumped. I know, TOO MUCH INFORMATION, but I didn't go through all of that not to tell someone about it!

My point is this: by the time we moved into our house, we were too worn out to be upset about the delays and simply rejoiced that we could sleep in the house—even if it was on the floor—and the best part? Long, hot showers. What a luxury!

What else is new?

Well, I have been working on my photography and enjoying it very much. In fact, I joined a photography group that has monthly meet-ups in Seattle and attended my first get-together this week and learned a lot, mostly about the photography business (applicable to any small business owner, really). I've included a few of my recent photos in this blog entry.

I have also been reading a book that I highly recommend called, The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to Our Brains.

Of course, you know that it's going to be a bit depressing because there is physiological evidence that the Internet is indeed changing our brains (look up neuroplasticity). There's so much interesting stuff in the book that I couldn't do justice to describe it here; you'll just have to read it.

My take-away at this point (I'm not quite finished with the book): I am more determined to shut down my email program while I'm working on other projects and to only check Facebook on a planned basis. I have perfected the art of being led from one thing to another and, before I know it, I've forgotten entirely what Step One was to begin with.

During the photography presentation I recently attended, business owners were admonished to ask: “Is this the best use of my time?” throughout the day. It's surprising (and somewhat depressing) to learn that the answer is often a definitive “No.” That is, if you're working on your business and not just setting aside time to take a break.

It's become all too obvious that I am continually distracted by using the Internet and it's changing my brain. I can tell, too. I sometimes feel that I've developed ADD (attention deficit disorder) because of the difficulty I have in focusing on reading long portions of books and other projects. I have this inane, urgent need to check my email, my Facebook, my smart phone when it's entirely inappropriate and unnecessary. It would be funny if it weren't so scary.

The upshot: I have great hand-eye coordination, but the part of my brain that is involved in deep thinking (and therefore, good at following information to a logical conclusion) is slowly dying off. In other words, I can type 115 words a minute, but don't ask me to explain how Congress concluded that pizza is a vegetable. Then again, can anyone explain that?

I'm looking forward to soon posting an invitation to visit my new website. In the meantime, do yourself a favor and watch or listen to the video below. I promise that it's a distraction well worth your time.

Another view of morality and God

I didn't intend to make this a long blog entry (Lord knows my intentions were good); rather, I wanted to share a video that I came across this week (see the end of this post).

Click to read more ...

Can we talk?

I haven’t updated my blog in over a month. I’m not sure, but I think that’s the longest window of time since I started writing this blog in July of 2008. Apparently, I haven’t had a need to “talk.”

Click to read more ...

The eye of my soul

Most of you know that our family converted from Protestantism to the Orthodox Church in 2007. I've shared fairly frequently on my blog about our journey--an incredible paradigm shift from Western to Eastern Christianity. Today I would like to share an essay written by my daughter telling of our journey from her perspective

Click to read more ...

Together we fill gaps

In June, my husband and I celebrated 30 years of marriage. Thirty years, folks. Man, does that make me feel old. The years have swirled by in a mist of memories. Here we stand at Year Thirty. As I look back, I am grateful that we stuck it out together, if only by God’s grace.

Click to read more ...

Catching Up - Part II

As promised, I want to share a bit about My Big, Fat, Orthodox Wedding that took place on July 10th this year. Our family converted to the Orthodox Church in 2007 and one of the things I’d wanted to do, but kept putting off, was to have our marriage blessed by the Church. Well, it’s really more than a “blessing” --marriage is a Sacrament of the Church. We decided that, in honor of our 30th anniversary, what better way to celebrate than to tie the knot in the most meaningful way possible—by being married in the Orthodox Christian Church.

Click to read more ...