This seems like an appropriate spot to talk about what happens AFTER you've had a breast biopsy. You've been told that you may, in fact, have the dread disease of cancer. Your entire life may be (and really is) altered from this day forward. You have no idea what kind of tumor you have, whether it's aggressive, malicious, slow-growing, or what.
Then you are sent home with a pink flower to WAIT for the biopsy results. Surely this life circumstance has to rate at the top of the list of torturous experiences for human beings.
My Group Health doctor called to say that she would meet with me when the biopsy results came in and let me know the details. She set up an appointment for five days after the biopsy.
I didn't know how I would fare mentally for those five days. What I ended up doing was to replay the entrance into her office over and over and over again in my mind, each time imagining good news and bad news and my reaction to each.
Being a pretty methodical person, I guess I felt that I would be more "prepared" if I went through all of the scenarios ahead of time. At some point, I realized that I was driving myself crazy and just let it go.
(After the biopsy and before my diagnosis, I'd written an email to a friend stating, "I have been on the Internet reading about breast cancer and it's a mixed bag. Some things I read strike fear into my heart and other things give me hope. My doctor told me to stop reading those sites, as I don't have enough information yet to know what I'm dealing with. I think she's right. I'm going to wait until Tuesday and go from there.")
So I hit a saturation point with the Internet and decided to back off on collecting information (what a huge relief).
During this time, I got very real with God. From the beginning, I believed that He was still in control, that He allowed this into my life, for reasons I may not fully understand, possibly until I've left this earth. Mostly, I felt that He allowed this "unto my salvation."
What I mean is, in the process of running this race we call life, we tend to get pretty cocky. We sometimes forget about God, or just give Him a nod and a wink and go our merry way. I'm not saying that I wasn't pursuing God (I thought I was), but not in the way--the very REAL way--a person pursues Him when he/she is confronted with their mortality.
I have come to realize in a very real way my dependence on God, even for the very breath I draw in every moment. We all live with the illusion that we are in control. Cancer makes you realize that life is fragile and guess what? You're really not in control after all.
We are all on a spiritual journey. From the start, I knew that my journey included this challenge and that I was being called to respond in faith (not easy when you are feeling weak and vulnerable). To say that I felt like an emotional bowl of mush would be accurate. My family and friends were also being challenged to accompany me on this journey. That's the reason that I had no problem asking people to pray for me. I felt that, not only would I benefit from their prayers, they would, too.
I read this on an Orthodox website once (long before the cancer saga) and it struck a chord with me, so I saved it. Today it seems more apropos than ever:
"A major step on our path is to come to understand that in many ways we are powerless without God."
"We cannot stop time, we will not prevent earthly death, we cannot make every situation into something pleasant, we cannot always avoid illness. There are simply things we cannot control, nor buy, nor acquire with our own knowledge, our own resources, our own energies or desires."
"Once we acknowledge this, we can come to realize that it is only in and with God that we can gain any control over our fate."
"It is God who can take us to eternity. It is God who can save us from eternal death, and it is God who offers us the joys of His Kingdom. Further, it is God who can transform the worst things in our life and turn them into something that will work for good. We don't always understand how, don't always like when, but we can be sure that all unfolds according to God's Providence."